i promised i would change but im just an addict it all stays the same. i was gonna do something here but now i'm more lost than ever so im just using this to idk, rant.
ill throw in some old photos here and there in case your bored.
thermal
if i could change one decision in my past it wouldn't be my sh or suicide attempts. i know what id change. id go back to that day and show that i care by not giving up. that's my biggest regret: giving up.
dude i really regret it.
i mean those other stuff are bad and also permanent but they feel so escapable, like they were a normal part of life, something you could ignore.
im not sure why i originally did that sh stuff, maybe it was just edgy teen stuff, maybe i felt regret and a need to be punished, maybe it's just a reminder, or maybe its a cry for help.
i was smart though, didn't cut anywhere that couldnt be concealed with normal clothes. i dont think i did it for attention, i kept it hidden, i only really told people to get them away from me or to get them to trust me bc they were going through the same thing.
anyways now im doing this stalling procrastinating shit instead of being 'productive'. theres a random show on the tv next to me. i promised id quit all the addictions, become the man shed want be to be, and sacrifice my life for a massive 'im sorry'. right now im failing. you think that if im not trying that means i dont care? is me giving up just proof that i never cared? thatd fucking suck. maybe if i was a better person i could at least try to be someone good. maybe im just that much worse bc im using this excuse that im not a good person in order to get away with what i do. thats awful.
the show just made some bad joke about cutting up their genetalia. i think about doing it, so i could prevent myself from making the same mistake again. its a very, like, severe precaution. im not sure if thats the right word.
by the way the uhh top text on each page you see up there are portions from a poem series i wrote in like 2025. i thought it was cool had a lot of good lines but most of its a rewrite of a story from a german album i liked. no its not some nazi shit or whatever im not that edgy.
01-11-2026
2face
today i relapsed, but not nearly as bad as usual. nothing serious but still stuff i wanna avoid. i always think im never doing enough for them and my promise. i saw them today, i might have go be by them tomorrow, but ill avoid it at all costs.
also, its one of my exes birthdays tmrw, i remember it because of longlegs. ill text her something idk. i hope shes doing better without me. i think its better this way. shes gone way more religious than she was before, especially online. i really hope it helps.
sometimes i question my attraction towards someone especially when i get closer go them. i wonder if i forced feelings of 'love' out of other feelings like caring about them or just not wanting to be alone. the attraction is so strong sometimes though, so it must be real, right? yeah.
if i actually loved them wouldnt i be doing everything in my power to make their life the best it could be? am i being too lazy or too scared? i have no idea what i should be doing, but it probably isnt this.
01-13-2026
saw them with someone else today. not like it shouldnt happen or that i should hate it. it really shouldnt matter nothing changes. people can live their lives. it just makes me feel more bad though. id like to think i feel worse because im reminded of how much i took from them, but im prob just jealous.
i think yesterday i made a threat to someone. it doesnt really matter but its worth noting.
god i feel so behind like im doing not enough or nothing while life goes by and time is wasted. time that could be spent improving things. ive wasted so much time already. i dont think theres a reason to waste more, like i should be in the poorest conditions working just to get back anything.
maybe seeing them with someone else just made me realize how stupid my goals are. i still have to hold onto them though, because theres nothing else left. ill lie to myself to keep myself alive. seriously i should do something with my life.
i guess im doing something this weekend, even if its not really for my goal, its still nice. can i have nice things, am i aloud to? is it human to work for nothing and have no fun? or am i just making more excuses to be a piece of shit oh god.
sometimes i imagine them killing me. tonight ill think of that as i try to sleep.
01-16-2026
its during tough times that ive really gotta hold on to the one thing i have. im not talking like bad grades orwhatever, i mean when people physically hurt you or ur born into a life thats doomed to fail from the start. i have to hold on to it because its all i have. if i dont keep it alive i will die.
01-17-2026
graphite